I adore fiction—both reading and writing it—but over the years, I’ve developed some petty complaints that can take me out of a story. These are not criticisms of other authors. I imagine most of these only bug me. And I, myself, have committed many of these silly transgressions.

1. Predictable Plans

SPOILER ALERT: I hate to ruin books for those who don’t know this, but when a character’s plan is carefully laid out beforehand, it almost always fails. Conversely, if very few details are provided about the plan, then it usually succeeds. When I realized this, it took the suspense out of so many novels (and films).

By not knowing the plan ahead of time, the reader is wowed when everything comes together perfectly. That’s fun … if you’re not expecting it. But if you know it’s happening, it loses some of its power. I must admit that I’m guilty of using this technique (many times), so I’m not wagging a finger. It’s a great way to set things up, which is why it’s so common. I just wish it wasn’t so predictable.

2. Grins

There are some words that feel like needles in my eyeballs. One of those happens to be the verb “to grin.” It’s overused in my opinion. In fact, I’d say the majority of novels I’ve read have at least one character “grinning” at something.

My complaint stems from my personal definition of the word. When I think “grin,” I imagine a mouth stretched to its absolute limit. I don’t see it as a simple smile as many books suggest. That said, I think “grin” is appropriate if it’s accompanied by words like “maniacal” or “stupid.”

3. Long Introspection in Dialogue

This is as petty as a complaint can be, but it rankles me, nonetheless. It happens all the time in long swaths of dialogue. Two (or more) characters will be conversing when one will engage in introspection in the middle of talking. This can last three or four or more paragraphs.

As the character thinks all this, I imagine a long silence smack dab in the middle of this conversation. After all, you may think faster than you speak, but four paragraphs of thought must take at least 10 or 15 seconds to process. Right? Or am I being silly?

4. Forced Names

Ever read about a character eavesdropping on a conversation between two unintroduced characters? If you have, then there’s a good chance you’ve witnessed this. The author needs to get some names on the page, so they don’t have to rely on pronouns or vague descriptors. So why not drop the names into conversation? It looks like this:

“That’s a great idea, Bob.”

“Why thank you, Mortimer.”

The problem stems from the fact that no one talks like this. When I know someone, I rarely call them by their name unless I’m trying to get their attention or distinguishing them from others. Reading it rips me out of an otherwise realistic scene.

5. Characters Thinking About Their Own Backstory

Of all these, I find this to be the most egregious. This is a lazy dump of information at the beginning of a novel—but not just any lazy dump. The viewpoint character will be performing a task (usually in a cold open), yet at the same time, they just so happen to be thinking of their entire life story.

It’s rare, but I see this more often than I should. Yes, it’s vital to inform your reader about your viewpoint character at the beginning of the book. But not by sloppily wedging it into the character’s train of thought! What really peeves me is the response the character has to these thoughts. They chuckle about some gaff in their past, shake their head, or mutter some nonsense.

I ask you: when have you ever performed a task and spent the entire time thinking about the history of your life?! Sorry, I’m getting a little heated. The point is that there are many great ways to introduce a character. Shoehorning in a biography where it doesn’t belong is not the right way.

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Thank you for letting me get that off my chest. Hopefully, this didn’t turn into a rant. Let me know if you have any silly literary grievances and we can commiserate in the comment section.

Tchau,

Zé